#199 :
280808.
a day to commemorate eh?
this afternoon at 2pm,
i thought,
gosh,
today is the worst day i have ever had in my whole entire life.
something great happened.
& my juggling of two balls became both on the floor.
destroyed-
i called mingxun.
& he said he was on the bus already with lionel they all to kap.
at that moment, i was on the verge of crying.
why?
didnt i say, wait for me?
i am just seeing some teachers. & they just abandon me and go ahead.
I feel so lost suddenly.
I thought it was the end of the world.
like how I describe the sky this morning.
looks as if the sky is going to collapse.
I wander around, and just walk randomly in the music block.
go level 1 then stairs, level 2 then stairs and on and on.
and when I felt so tired of walking aimlessly, I walked to the road.
and I found a great place for me.
terraces.
I was alone there.
at least for 30min.
alone.
I was looking at the sky.
keep thinking, why am I like this?
& how have I become into this kind of person.
I recalled, in pri school,
I am the well-known guaiguaizai.
and the model prefect, the model student, the model everything.
I dun lie, I dun cheat, I do everything exactly told by my teachers.
when have I become such a lousy person, cunning and sly?
& all because of my sucking attitude, everything in my life turn real upside down.
haywired.
confused.
knots.
& more knots.
and that’s it, I decided, I will die.
first time, it came so strong into my mind that I would commit suicide.
I was sitting on the top of terraces.
I was wondering.
to roll down, can I die?
or should I just go home and drink detergent?
has, you may think its funny.
but I am really desperate for an answer.
then, I have decided, I shouldn’t give up so easily.
I am stubborn.
I am strong.
I took out a foolscap paper and wrote a one page long self reflection.
I just kept on writing and writing.
& when it was time for me to finish,
I guess I should leave the reflection paper in front of the Tan Kah Kee Statue.
maybe he would see my sincerity and bless me to heaven?
hohos, perhaps I think too much.
I was too sad.
& I am just staring into space.
when my phone vibrates.
mr toh.
I was struggling.
should I answer or should I just ignore?
ite, I answered.
& thank god, I stayed.
I answered.
Maybe god wants to help me eh?
I finally know how to be the real myself.
I tore up the reflection paper and threw it away.
anyway,
thank you (: