381: Why are you not, running anymore?
Monday, July 5 @ 22:11
i'm tired.
not physically, but mentally.
oh, i just recalled, it's week 2 of term 3.
and ironically, four weeks of holidays which everyone's supposed to recharge just passed.
why does it feel that holidays had been an event ages ago?
i'm wondering what this blog had become.
my last post, was 5 June, exactly one month ago.
and my last post, was one which i din write with my heart, one which i spent a short 2 min, typed blindly and posted.
what are you to me, blog?
a week or so ago, a friend of mine complained that I'm not treating him as a friend.
he said I'm only looking up for him whenever I'm stuck among awkward friends, within awkward situations/sian having nothing to do on a train/just feel like entertaining my itchy fingers.
i thought true too, he meant no meaning but just a tool for me to fit into the empty gaps in my life.
i felt guilty, and i said sorry sincerely.
i deleted him from my contacts, and all his messages.
reason being i didn't want myself to have the chance to exploit him again.
see, blog, you see yourself in that mirror?
i'm only coming back to you when i have problems, when i want to write.
do you mind?
should i remove you? o.o
anyway, main point isn't this.
yes, point is, i got lethargic.
mentally lethargic, mentally broken down.
it's presentation tomorrow; my script isn't done, my assignment isn't done, my everything isn't done.
it's 10:26pm now, and i decided to just spend 5 minutes to quickly jot down my feelings now.
ite, i spent 25 minutes staring into space looking at the computer screen.
much things happened these few days, including my grandma's illness.
she doesn't seem to be recovering, seeing her weak and fragile, i felt miserable.
she no longer held my hand when i approached her; she shoo me away now.
she no longer laughed at my joke; she turned to the other side on her bed.
she became pale, became emotionless, became really sick.
and i lost my motivation for work.
you may say me weak, you may say me little.
but why should i care for this busy society, this fast-pacing life, these endless work, this tight deadline.
responsibility, cannot be weighed when a heart is no longer alive.
what's the point, really.
for a good grade, for a good future?
when i went out with my brother, i noticed how he needed to catch up with me desperately.
am i walking too fast?
when i took my dinner into my room, planning to read a few readings or so while i eat, i noticed how my mother wanted me to sit down with her and enjoy the meal.
am i blind, am i losing them?
too many people are losing their selfs in this everyday thing.
hold them back, if you notice they are leaving silently.
know, how to breathe, according to your own pace, your own rhythm, and face life as how it is.
what i want, for her to recover.